|Looked like a bit of a mess. Could have been the moment that defined many things, a revelation of an underlying theme. An Omen? An Insight? So we were over at T1 & R1’s place this weekend, Saturday evening, for a get together for their daughter; A1’s sixteenth birthday. She’s a sweet kid. She’d asked for a luminous theme, a glow in the dark thing. Part of that was having these glow sticks all over the place. So at some point people were breaking them open, pouring the luminous liquid that was on the inside of them out onto a cold dark floor. It was getting lit up with all sorts of splashes of red, blue and green. And throwing them into a fire they had going on, the remains of what had been a bonfire from a bit earlier. It looked fantastic. I guess. But. It also felt a little destructive. And a little disrespectful – like the unnecessary spilling of blood. Or something.|
|Suicide. Diary of a Dead Man. Now wouldn’t that just have been lovely? And to have ended it all with a number of entries, all having to do with how everything is an issue, how there are issues about everything when it comes to B and me. I wonder how that would have made her feel. I’d be such a dog to do that. End it off with pointing fingers. “This stupid shit made me do it.” Well. If you are reading this B and I’m not around anymore then please know; it was because I was an arsehole.|
|What’s today? Wednesday? It was a winter solstice a few days ago. It’s very, very cold. Yesterday was not such a good day. It felt like one of the worst yet. I spent a lot of time in my head, and going over some very dark territory. It felt again like a bad trip, like something wasn’t right. There was way too much thinking. It all started the night before. I got into it again with B. I came down on her pretty hard about messing the blankets up when we went to bed. Then she retaliated by putting a jacket on and not sleeping under the blankets. I’d complained at her for trying to pull the blankets up to cover herself. After a while I told her if she didn’t get under the blankets I was going to get in the car and leave, and that she would never see me again.|
|So, what now Mr Mushroom; do you still want something to do with it? Now that things are less warm and fuzzy, now that things are a little more complicated and messy. Are you still prepared to speak up and claim responsibility? “I think best you stick with what you think you know false prophet, prof_it_e. Best you stick to what you think you know something about.” Okay then. So. Moving on. I said before that I still need to spend some time getting into how things are going at the place my sister and her husband bought. I guess in this part I get a bit into that. It does feature quite a bit in the conversation between B and me. T1 and R1 have only just got the place (my sister and her husband), they are only at about the 3-month mark.|
|Up to that point we hadn’t bumped into anyone else doing this walk. It’s one of the many amazing things about it – how you can be so isolated here and yet not feel like the isolation is a threat. It might very well be in many similar places elsewhere, especially in South Africa. On the way back we did pass a couple of people with their dogs. There weren’t any issues. About two thirds of the way back a group of more people had gathered and were speaking to each other while their handful of dogs ran around. We had B333 on a lead and B handed it to me in anticipation of our dog interacting with the dogs that were with the crowd. Off in the distance of my internal landscape clouds began to gather.|
|Well. It led me back into the woods for a while back there. At that point all this stuff was going on in my head , a lot of this stuff that I wrote about in the last few pages. And in a way it makes a little sense putting it all down on paper in a more or less coherent way. In a way that seems not so intimidating, but when all of that is squashed into a brief emotional period it kind of felt like my mind was going to short circuit. And I thought okay well this is a pity. It’s a pity that a misunderstanding like this is possible.|
So what do I get into next? Do I get into how that makes sense? I mean, explain how bearing witness to what they are doing is driving me mad? Get into the details of where animals have featured in my sister’s past and how things that are happening on the property they have is disturbing me? Wanting to scare away the monkeys? Spray insecticide on the wasps? Have snakes taken away.
So there was that. But was there anything else? I think the water has got a bit murky now I mean, what were we talking about? Where does all that fit in? Nowhere? It has got nothing to do with nothing? It has to do with something else that came before, an elaboration on a theme. It speaks to this whole state of the world thing, the deterioration of it, the death of nature, if it is the death of nature. Is it the death of nature? The idea somewhere along the line involved feeling uncomfortable. Feeling like everything is in a mess and in desperate need of a makeover.
Maybe. Things are speeding by like an engine in high rev but not in any gear. Stuff ain’t sticking. So much stuff, where to begin? More or less a continuation of where the last book ended. I’m wondering about the mushroom thing. Whether it has anything to do with this feeling, this racing mind. Suddenly meditation makes more sense. And in the background a question involving the difference between how this feels, and whether it’s normal, more normal? I mean, compared to whatever was before.
|Part One; Sep ’15 to Nov ’15 (Spring).||24 entries of finding my feet. We go on a short holiday and I try liken the experience to a rite of passage, a descent of sorts into a type of underworld. The comparison is a sort of flop, but I guess does establish a theme.
During this part there’s a few dreams thrown into the mix, I decide a bit further down the line to separate the dreams out ~ create a separate menu for them going forward.
I touch on a few symbols, react with some enthusiasm to a book I read, express a few wordy opinions, get into a bit of history involving my psychedelic drug use and introduce my family.