And then there was the dream. In it an ambulance was parked on the front lawn. It was dark, late at night and I wasn’t sure what was going on. I was desperate to find out and try to get from where I lay in a deep sleep to outside, go figure out what was happening. I got the sense that the ambulance was there to fetch mom, the why of it might have involved G@. Getting from where I slept to the ambulance was impossible, I was trying to walk in a body that felt as heavy as lead. I think the rest of that dream was me confronting G@ about what had happened. In a separate dream a short while after that it doesn’t end well for him, something to do with a car accident.
I take the dog for a walk and we come across the corpse of a snake. It is still soft to the touch and a slashed head explains how it met it’s end. It’s not a poisonous snake and I wonder what would drive someone to do something like that. Why they couldn’t just leave the damn thing alone. I spend a lot of time asking myself questions like that, involving how people seem to behave. Mom is looking fragile when we visit her later the same day. She complains she’s having a hard time with thoughts in the evening.
She’s having a hard time trying to sleep. She’s stressing about the situation my sister has got herself into at the Garden of Eden. She’s feeling guilty about what she’s doing to G@. He feels like she’s throwing him away. I ask but isn’t that what she is doing? She’s talking to me again a day or two later. Saying the same things, being harassed by her conscience, struggling with what her role is now, who she has become, the prospect of aging, not being able to do the things she once used to.
I spoke a lot to her that day. I spoke a lot at her. Running off at the mouth, interrogating her about all the coke she drinks, all the rubbish she puts in her body. Sleeping pills. Poison I tell her, stuff possessed of evil spirits. I ask if it’s possible she can see the way her and G@ are struggling might have more to do with the pills, that they are not being themselves, that it’s the poison speaking. It gets worse; I tell her what a brain is doing, maybe it’s from all the coke. That if it is how she’s feeling – she is responsible for it, she is doing it to herself.
That I can’t offer her a shoulder to cry on if that’s what I think.
That all I can offer her is a lecture. A speech. She’s fending me off, what with me and my barrage of insensitive, unkind words. Later that night I hear the gate at the front of the house open and close. I go to investigate. (An ambulance?) An SUV is parked on the front lawn. T1’s car. My sisters are busy getting into it. They look at me and explained that mom is ill, that they are taking her to the hospital, to casualty, it’s an emergency. From inside the car I can hear mom retching. For once in my life I’m at a loss for words. I stand there dazed for a bit as it dawns on me that this could be that moment…
They took blood samples that night, took x-rays of her chest. The x-rays picked up a large ‘shadow’ cast over one of her lungs. The bloods revealed an excess of a kind of protein that gets produced by the body when it has cancer in it. Mom has been in pain for several days, once or twice she mentioned feeling a bit stiff around the area of her one arm, around the shoulder and back (the same area as where the shadow on the x-ray was). She’d been self-medicating with pain killers, felt nauseous and wasn’t eating. I think taking the pain killers on an empty stomach is what led to the vomiting. They didn’t say she had cancer, but suggested she make an appointment to see a specialist.
I think we all know what happens next.
It’s probably not going to be pretty.
Walking the dog early the next morning once again. The landscape feels surreal and haunted. the dead snake has disappeared. Mole snake. Lying belly-up in the dirt. Wispy clouds obscure the sun and make the sky look alien. The guy walking the dog takes it all in looking through a veil of tears. He cast his mind back to a moment in time he’d read something about the psychopomp; them that travel with the souls of the recently departed, helping them get from here to their next destination. He’d thought he should get into that, do that with his loved ones at some future point.
Today it feels like that is what is going on. Turns out everything really is not real. We’ve left all that somewhere very far behind. This place that surrounds us will gradually decay to a point that inhabiting it isn’t an option anymore. It will all fall away to eventually reveal a single solitary doorway; The Last Exit. I guess at that point we no longer will feel lost. It would make sense if that happened; would explain why everything going on here is so fncking insane. Why nothing makes sense. That it’s all just a nightmare; a world that is eating itself.
At last the meaning of the great symbol reveals itself.
I’m not sure how to feel about the news involving mom. I think I’ve been expecting something like this to happen for a while now already. It does still hurt. Knowing the space she filled up in my life is going to be empty now. Vacant. A hole in my soul. I think I knew when she moved down here that it would be the last stretch for her. Or maybe I felt it subconsciously, subliminally, because it feels a whole lot more like that now than it felt like that before. In some quiet corner of my mind I comfort myself with what she’ll avoid struggling with by calling it quits now instead of later.
I’m pretty sure if she’d been for tests in another country they’d pick up that she was heading full tilt towards dementia; that she had a bad case of early onset. I guess I think this is possible from how she was saying she felt sometimes. Some of the things she told us she thought happened while she was out and about. Maybe these things did happen like she said they did but the ominous threatening hostile edge that it felt like she was trying to convey seems unlikely. Her hearing is getting bad. Eyes are not in the best shape. If she tries to stick around, clings to life in a desperate unwanted sense, I don’t think her experience of it is going to be very pleasant.
“Calling you now
Cause it’s worse than before
When I look to the sky
I see only a door
And it’s black and it’s altered
And it’s locked from inside
So I guess things have changed
You have something to hide
You’ve something to hide”
~ The Tear Garden ~ LAMENT ~
Read more: Tear Garden – Lament Lyrics | MetroLyrics