-=Suicide=-

Stay with me on this. I think I might be on to something. I’m thinking the thing about hearing the voice, feeling the energy, encountering an entity of something outside of yourself, the degree of authenticity of it, the level of that experience feeling convincing; probably has a lot to do with how much you can put yourself aside. To not be you. I mean; for the you deep down inside of you to not identify with the personality of you. The surface level of you. In a sense the psychedelic thing makes sense in that dynamic; if what it takes to establish relations with spirit guides or identify the energies of things outside of you takes you being able to step away from being you, well; that’s what’s a psychedelic can help you do; it can help you step away from being you.

There is a big deal gets made around the subject of ego death when it comes to altered states of consciousness and I guess that’s a way to describe you being able to step away from being you. Meditation and Mantras fit nicely in there somewhere too. Meditation from the perspective of making a concerted effort to learn how not to identify with what you normally identify with. Mantras from a perspective of Yoga. The thing about Hindu gods, about Ganesha from what I was listening to the other day about it involves the idea of making a concerted effort to uncover your Divinity, discover your Divinity. It’s not about looking for something outside of yourself; it’s about becoming something else by discarding what you think you are.

How do you become a Mantra, how do you become an Ganesha, how do you do yoga, if what you are too busy doing is being you? How do you unite with the idea of something outside of you if you are too busy being united with yourself? And there it is. United. Yoga. There is probably a bit of room for improvement in explaining all this. Might help getting into the Mantra / Hindu god symbolism thing a bit. Unpack it. Make a point of exploring it. Intuitively it seems to me like another piece of the puzzle has found its place, found a home. Exploring the idea of something by being something. Being something by not being yourself.

Another part of this goes down a road that involves who we think we are, who I think I am. How much of that is real, how much of that is Make-Believe. How much of you is a just social, cultural indoctrination. Are we anything? Are we something that can detach from what we think we are and become something else, whenever we want, at will, if we just put a bit of effort into it. What does that look like, what does whatever we are now look like once you have done that. Is there something out there that explores this idea already? Is this what they mean in Magick, in Hermeticism, when it comes to the subject of the Higher Self?

“Initiated into the mysteries of silence and stillness, the one thing you were never allowed to do was to talk about it. And oddly enough, no one ever did. All we know is that they passed through the portals of death. If you like, a preview of death that was being taken through anything which involves the emotions. Both fear, panic, love, simply to push this person to the point where they break through all that is not truly them. So that the true person beneath the social overlay, can emerge.” ~ From “The Story of Osiris” ~ Michael Baigent (author) ~ @ 23 minutes.

All very interesting.

So interesting.

Been all over the place thoughts wise the last few days. I think I really had a big revelation what with all the ‘shroom information and then the weed experience. That revelation about you not being your thoughts, that there are things out there trying to teach you that. I came across a 4 hour talk on YouTube that was a recording of Terence McKenna involving Alchemy and Hermeticism. I got a kick out of him starting off with saying what sounded like he felt he needed a break from all the psychedelics preaching. What followed was probably one of the most valuable collection of words I’ve ever heard him speak. It’s weird how he gets a bad rap for some of the more outlandish ideas that came out of his mouth, the stuff about 2012 and all that stuff that sounded like science fiction. And then very little get said when he makes an effort to talk about something a bit more useful.

I found a lot of stuff in that talk that seems to relate to my recent train of thought. If I get a chance maybe I’ll cover that a bit in a future entry. But something happened once I more or less peaked on this trip, this train of thought. The trip took a turn for the worse, a nose dive. Up to that point it felt like I was headed in a direction that would get me close to some sorts of coveted goal. Sensing that this might occur some threatened part of me employed a self-destructive jeopardizing tactic. All the energy I had for the subject disappeared. Trying to recite a Mantra became a schlep of epic proportions.

So many things I was spending time listening to or reading which had previously seemed like would lead me inevitably towards some sort of enlightenment just started to make me feel nauseous instead. Going to gym wasn’t important anymore and neither was eating healthy. I was taking hits on all fronts. I am taking hits on all fronts. I’m not sure if it’s some sort of act of psychological rebellion. Perhaps it’s the spirit of coffee getting up to mischief because we are drinking it again for some reason. Maybe it’s got to do with the seasons changing. The cold weather can make you feel very disrupted down here once it starts to get going.

As if on cue someone from the neighborhood went missing. Last seen on a bicycle on what was thought to be just another get fit morning routine. After a few days of helicopters scouting the area they found him in a nearby ravine, a single gunshot wound to the head. A service revolver still on his person. Foul play is not suspected. My suicide took shape a bit less literally. Feeling a bit overdosed on all the warm and fuzzy I turned my attention to the historic conquest of North and South America some 5 or 6 hundred years ago. What life has become for the people whose land that was originally. Nothing quite as sobering as realizing that in some time and place Hitler is indeed alive and well. That somehow he managed to get away with what he did.

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