Inside Out.

Other stuff. Dreams have been insane. Some interesting correlations between the dreams I have had and the dreams B has had. There is this and that to say about it but nothing concrete to grasp just yet. It’s an area I’d like to see something more come out of. Whether it’s that or whether it’s a thing of being able to put myself in a state that I can consciously dream in. I had an experience recently involving a conversation in a dream that went something along the lines of someone saying something to the effect of something I did recently being responsible for this, whatever that was. The trip on ‘shrooms comes to mind although it didn’t feel explicitly like that was what was being said. As to what this was that the trip might / might not have been responsible for well…

Well it could have to do with this or maybe not; It was a dream ~ I’m not 100% clear on the details but coincidentally; I became aware of some discomfort on my left breast. It sort of got itchy and when I scratched the itch my chest kind of felt sensitive, it hurt a bit. There’s a mole or something on it, sort of a see through something, like a blister. A while ago I tried to squeeze it out, not thinking it might be a mole. And now some time after that the blister looking thing looks like it’s bigger, and like I said, hurts a little. I went through a period, or a while back there thinking that’s what’s going to be the death of me.

Breast Cancer.

There’s all sorts to say about it. Whether I should get it checked out. Treated if necessary. Stuff about the irony, being the one person in the family committed to doing everything to avoid getting it; eating right; exercising. Stuff about not doing anything about it, letting it kill me. Would solve a few problems I guess. At this point retiring at 50 doesn’t seem likely. And what’s the point really to stay alive if all that means is having to work forever. At least if I die B will get some cash out of it, at least she won’t need to work anymore. I could make that trade, it would be worth it, she’s worth it. And it would give me a reason to keep going with this. To keep writing. Give me something to write about. Lord knows you need something to read.

Write?

I guess this next bit involves that. My commitment to you, to seeing this through. At this point I’m about a year behind updating my online journal with stuff from my pen and paper diary, a bit less; from August 2016… 9 months. Who knows, maybe this will never make it from here to there. Too much effort. Little to no reward. Definitely no interest. How to keep at it when there doesn’t seem to be a point. In my head it all hinges on getting a new phone. Thinking I could use it to get all this down, change it from handwritten text to text on a screen. Well. The phone is on its way. Actually I was expecting it yesterday. I guess we’ll know soon enough if it will help much or not.

I guess the relationship between me and anything outside of me is an interesting idea. Perhaps the question is whether anyone is out there? It sort of ties in with another thing. I was, I am, having trouble with another angle involving tripping, working with the Teacher Plants, ‘shamanism’, or whatever word best describes what it is I’m trying to do. Whatever word best helps you understand what you think I am doing. The angle involves spirits, or energy, or the things they are meant to inhabit here, in the tools being worked with. This is going a bit all over the place…

I spoke of getting a feel for the energy of the plants in our garden while tripping, communicating with them. There’s a sort of similar thing going on about crystals, and the Tarot. Sticking with the plants for a bit first. Or taking another step a bit further back. A step back to a point of being under the influence, and in that space being able to communicate in a sense with something ‘other’. Other to yourself. With whatever it is that makes an appearance while you are under the influence. Possibly with the spirit or energy of whatever you took to get into that state.

Bare with me while I try to figure this out. Where the confusion starts for me: Expecting a plant to behave like a person, for it to have an autonomy, an independence. For it to proactively make a move to engage, prove somehow that whatever it says or ‘does’ is outside of my influence. Is not an imaginative act of my imagination. I stumble with that, while I’m waiting. Come on man damn it; go on and please make a concerted effort. It’s not an approach or a perspective that seems to be going anywhere. I’ve come to feel I need to abandon it. To be a bit more creative. Come up with something else, something different.

Breathe some life into it.

The way it seems to be coming through is for me to put any expectations aside for now, to stop with the expecting an intensely intimate, personal experience with the inside of anything as an expression of its authenticity. It’s validity. The push if any instead has to do with being prepared for anything outside of myself to stand in as a representation of something inside of me. It doesn’t make any difference if something is inside of something outside of me or not. The thinking is sort of along the lines of the inside of me being a lot bigger than I can handle consciously…

I need to figure out that it’s ok if things outside of me are only inhabited by me if those are parts of myself I’m not always completely in touch with anyway. That’s something I think I’d like to adopt as an idea for a while. At least up to a point that it seems to be making a difference, seems to be working. All I know at this point is if that’s how I approach it it’s not an idea that scares me off or makes me feel inadequate. Another metaphor; makes me feel like what I’m trying to do is to woo-woo. Fake. Phony. Contrived. Derived.

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