|A day or two later and I guess you could say the afterglow has faded a little. It occurs to me that on top of not everything being covered some of the stuff that was wasn’t covered completely correctly. I wonder a little at some of the things I said, I wonder at the authenticity of some of the things I said. I’m not as sure as I was before about the strength of my experience and whether it was as big as it felt at the time. I guess it could have done with the setting but I wonder whether things I might have expected to feel or have felt on previous trips has to do with the setting or whether it has to do with the particular strain I worked with. It will be nice if I got to a point where I could pick up differences between this and that strain. The strain I used this time was a first for me (B+).|
|It’s also possible things were a bit different on account of the flush number (1) and also the substrate (BRF). Something I didn’t mention before was where what I did fit in with what I want to do with San Pedro. A thought I had about it was this experience was about taking a step closer to doing that, towards working with the cactus. The sequence seems to be about using the ‘shrooms to put me in a particular frame of mind that I need to try be in while going through the process of preparing for, and physically preparing, the actual cactus ‘tea’. Is all this necessary? Doesn’t it all sound a little loopy?
I’m not sure I’d pin all this on me at this point. In a sense putting this together this way sort of comes down to what other people might have said is the right or wrong way to go about doing this. Whether it makes much of a difference if you go down this road or go down another road involving this might become evident to me, it might not as well. I guess it’s just about adopting a framework up to a point that that framework proves useful. It seems to make sense that you can adjust a framework whether you subscribe to it 100% completely or not in order to be able to test it for effectiveness before either deciding to subscribe to it or not.
It also seems to make sense to be a little skeptical until something proves itself. I think that’s more or less where I am at but the one thing I do still feel has stuck is the mantra and using it in a daily meditation. I’m not sure I’ve ever really felt very passionate about meditation before and am probably more in the camp of using psychedelics as a substitute for meditation instead of using meditation to meditate. But it sort of feels important to me right now that you have a meditation practice going if you do use psychedelics.
I’m not sure it’s a one or the other thing. In a sense I guess the two of these things is about trying to achieve two different things, not necessarily about trying to do two things to achieve the same thing. Or here’s an idea to play with; knowing what you are trying to achieve with meditation gives you something to work towards when you use psychedelics. And that’s one thing that it seems like you need if and when you ever decide to work with them. You need something to work towards. You need an intention.
Did that come out right? That bit about meditation and that bit about using meditation to figure out what you are working towards, it giving you that. Not very sure it did. The way it was rolling around in my head was a bit different. The start for a start didn’t start with that idea, it started with the mantra. Other disclaimers; the story had more to do with me finding something that suited me, or something that felt right, something I needed, a good fit. Or; something that felt like a missing part of the jigsaw puzzle.
Connecting a dot.
The story had less to do with getting preachy and sounding like what I’d discovered was something that applied to everyone, thought everybody should be doing. The issue is building the disclaimer in every time. It’s time consuming. Self reflection, introspection, has a way of drowning you in you, sending you somewhere that nobody else is, a place you forgot other people exist. In the end if what I thought ended up being of any use, any help, if that sounds useful to you, helpful to you, then it’s up to you to give it a go. And did it turn out being of any use anyway. Helpful? And there’s the rub…
It’s not even about having gotten to a point where after a period of time and opportunity the idea has been put to the test and proven useful yet. At this point that’s conjecture. I do feel passionate about it though. It does feel like a conviction. Like if this is something I do it will do what needs to get done. It will provide something that is needed. So it started with this mantra. And the mantra was sort of like a dot. A full-stop. Not that much really to look at. But focusing on that dot, zooming in to explore it, the dot exploded, unpacked itself and became an entire book.
I got some of this from looking up some stuff on the mantra on the net. The meditation thing just makes sense from the perspective of, well, needing for you to sit for a while and focus on something. That act helping you shut other stuff out for a while. Whether you use your breath or a mantra it’s sort of the same thing so; mantra as meditation. But there’s more; stuff that involves sound, stuff that involves energy. The use of sound in a ritual setting. Shamans use Icaros during ayahuasca ceremonies. Using a mantra in the same sort of sense. Shamans use Icaros to call the spirits, for them to help in healing, protecting.
And now being able to use the mantra to achieve the same thing. This stuff is not even just made up, this is what they are used for as well; to call on spirit, to heal, for protection. In a sense then the use of mantra is Shamanic. And that’s sort of a big question that got answered for me. A question mark did hang over my head about that; the idea of where sound fit in, how am I going to learn to sing? It seems to be a big part of being able to work with the Teacher Plants. But it didn’t seem like something I could do myself convincingly, authentically. That seems to have changed now a little suddenly.