|What’s today? Wednesday? It was a winter solstice a few days ago. It’s very, very cold. Yesterday was not such a good day. It felt like one of the worst yet. I spent a lot of time in my head, and going over some very dark territory. It felt again like a bad trip, like something wasn’t right. There was way too much thinking. It all started the night before. I got into it again with B. I came down on her pretty hard about messing the blankets up when we went to bed. Then she retaliated by putting a jacket on and not sleeping under the blankets. I’d complained at her for trying to pull the blankets up to cover herself. After a while I told her if she didn’t get under the blankets I was going to get in the car and leave, and that she would never see me again.|
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|I know. I can be such a perfect dick sometimes.
So the next day there was an atmosphere, and the atmosphere informed everything. At least, in my head it did. Something I thought about was boy; I have the nerve to point out where my family seem to be messing things up. Well, maybe you can get that impression from some of the things I’ve written about them. But I’m not sure it’s all there anyway. Not yet. If some of it sounds bad well then that’s just what I was thinking about, except in my head how I feel is it’s a lot worse (the extent to which I think they are messing up). And so the extent to which I think I’ve got some nerve is in line with that, it’s more nerve, it’s worse than having a nerve.
It’s pretty serious.
So I’ve got some nerve judging others when things can seem pretty messed up in my own life. My own relationship. I wanted to come here and cover that particularly nasty ground in detail. It was going to be a lot of ground. And some of it pretty silly. I had all these entries lined up; “Dark Entries”. Each of them called a particular subject, a particular issue. And I’d get into it, go all the way into what I thought each of the things were that have gotten complicated in our relationship. And it would be just about every single thing that is going on, every single thing that occurs and some of it on a daily basis that is just plain messed up.
Very messed up. To the extent that it doesn’t seem possible for there to be anything that happens, anything that goes on, that involves the two of us, that has a happy ending. Everything gets complicated in some way or other. Well. There was that. And then there was some other stuff. The meaning of life type of stuff. Sort of. It didn’t end very well. The rest was pretty bleak, where it ended up getting me. And what seemed to be what the future is going to be.
So I had this idea of death. Of wanting it to end. Covering that ground again. That if it came down to me being diagnosed with cancer or something, to not bother fighting it ~ not getting any treatment. That kind of thing never made any sense to me anyway. Except from the perspective of the medical community. I mean, it’s their way of making money. Lots and lots of money. Treating cancer can be very lucrative business. And if you have medical insurance well then, ain’t that just a biggest and fattest and most irresistible of cash cows?
These warm and fuzzy ideas involving treatment being available and something you must do because life is sacred and you have everything to gain by clinging stubbornly to it is just a crock of shit. Getting older is like sky diving and realizing your parachute isn’t going to open. It’s a slow motion free-fall to an inevitable end. To an end that is inevitable. But that wasn’t my point. It had more to do with the “living happily ever after” thing, and that being a crock of shit too. Day-to-day life is just plain messy, things get unnecessarily complicated. Everyone focuses on the stuff not worth focusing on.
Trying to be happy is like walking in thick mud. It’s such a struggle. And as time goes on it just gets to be more and more of a struggle. So if you get a ticket out with a disease that’s fatal isn’t the reaction of choice a little obvious? Shouldn’t it be obvious? Shouldn’t it be “why hell yeah; I’ll take that ride!” But. Yesterday I wasn’t sure I could wait for that anymore. And thoughts turned away to any chances of making it all end a whole bunch sooner.
Playing the suicide card.
And then I thought to myself, that then this stupid diary might make sense. It might make it worth something. A long drawn out suicide note. Other thoughts involved whether things were meant to feel so bleak. Wasn’t the mushroom meant to help? How is feeling like this going to help? If I capped myself wouldn’t that just be a lovely indictment? And then I wondered if they were maybe making me feel like this. Like it’s not a case of me experiencing something normal, I mean, it did feel a little more bleak than some of the other bleak days I’ve had previously.
I thought maybe I get to walk this road because I need to. I need to be pushed to feeling this extreme for some kind of reason. Feeling this dramatic. Maybe I could push through it and realize at some future point how silly I’m being, how silly I sound. Is it really all that bad? And yeah, actually, for a while back there, I guess I really did feel like it was. That bad and worse. In fact it wasn’t even really just for a while back there that I felt like that. If I put a little effort into it I could convince myself that it still is . But I guess at the same time, if I put a little effort into it I could convince myself that it isn’t really.
That in this space, this way of feeling, it’s all about the mind. When actually what it should actually be all about is the body…
There are some thoughts floating around about that. What that means. That it should be all about the body. Deep stuff. Meaning of life stuff. Big picture stuff. I think I’ve touched on it before. Probably shouldn’t try to unpack it all the again right now. But to elaborate a little, and to try explore a somewhat related idea; I’m curious about what it is that made me go through all that, all that unpleasantness. Was it really me getting into it with B the reason? Feeling down about how things can get between us sometimes? That when it gets like that I just want to give up? Give it all up.
If I can’t get that part right, if we can’t get that part right, then I struggle to figure out what the point is. Because in my head there isn’t any happy ending if it doesn’t also involve us still being together. Being happy together. Well I guess that is the one possibility. Another possibility seems to have crossed my mind. Am I depressed? I mean like as in clinically depressed. I mean like as in I have some kind of disease? As in like there is something wrong with me? Something I need medical intervention for?
There is the mushroom thing too. Am I making myself sick in the head by playing with this stuff? Or does it have to do with the weather maybe? I mean it is so cold. And the place we live in is not warm at all. It probably needs a bit of repair or renovation to fix it up in a way that it will keep us warm. The solstice thing perhaps? The full moon? Is something going on that I am tapping into subconsciously that is making me feel this way? Or is it the body? What I’m putting into it? Has anything changed that way recently that can explain all this?
Explain this Pain.
Well. I guess so. We’ve stopped going to gym for the last two months. That can’t be good. We are eating a lot more cooked food than usual. Usually I like, we like, to keep it as raw as possible. There’s the coffee thing again. That’s new. We’ve been trying hard to not drink the stuff for a while and one of the reasons was because of the way it makes us feel. It feels not good. Alcohol wise we’ve managed to stay on track, can’t put the blame for this on that this time.
And we are eating packets of chips, peanut brittle, sweets. All poison. We went for so long without the stuff and now we gorge ourselves on it. We should know better. We do know better. There’s something in there I guess. More than enough. Going to put all the complicated stuff aside for a bit and try focus on the little stuff. Maybe I will surprise myself and feel a little more happy if I can get this shit back on track. Get back on track with a bit of work on my diet.