|It’s a pity that it feels like trying to make it through this moment involved, might involve a mental breakdown. Complete and utter exasperation. And being lucid enough to realize that this is not a normal feeling. That it felt suspiciously like something that might have resulted from doing something different recently, eating something different recently, something that is associated with a different way of thinking. Was it a good thing? It didn’t feel like it. Was it a bad thing? It didn’t feel like that either. It just felt different.
It forced me to pause. The confusion I felt was obvious. Almost tangible. So obvious I knew it needed a little of a think through before being able to make any sense of it. It was too much to process at that particular moment. At the time I thought you know what, that’s not a good thing. That kind of thing could be the start of bad things that have yet to come, and words like schizophrenia and dementia hung around like an unwelcome smell. Give it a break for a while is what I started thinking.
And so we gave it a break for a week.
And then it didn’t feel as bad as what I thought it was. The air between the two of us clear up a little, the air between the two of us cleared up a lot. There weren’t any further moment spent suspecting that madness was imminent. And on week number five we both took another small dose. We didn’t go anywhere or do anything special, just stayed at home and worked. Pretty much stuck to the schedule.
So that has been, that is, the story so far in as broad strokes as I can make them. And in the meantime there is also quite a bit of detail. There are a few landmark moments, a few dreams that happened. Some more news to share, and more thoughts about what is going on. How it feels like what is going on.
Now? Later.? Never..?
“Did you tell them I’m teaching you how to meditate?” No. I thought I might tell them it was B’s birthday three days ago. In fact I thought I’d talk a whole lot more about the situation between B and me. “Well. Could you tell them what she said about how she was feeling? And how you thought what she said sounded pretty great, and how you thought it probably had to do with eating me? You both did.”
Ok well so we got up at six this morning, got ready to take our dog (B333) to the beach, drank a cup of hot chocolate and took a ‘shroom each. The drive there was fantastic, all sorts of amazing as the night slowly became day. We left our shoes in the car and froze our feet off walking the three and a half kilometer walk along a stretch of coastline to where we usually end up returning from. At that particular spot we spread the ashes of our first pet – N0$. We did that the last time we came here, about two weeks ago. On that day we also had taken a ‘shroom.
The occasion was unexpectedly emotional…
|We got N0$ a short while after we had started getting our own lives together, after we had left school, after we had found jobs, after we had gotten our own place to live. We got her from an animal rescue place that had set up a stall at a cat show or something. She had spunk and was adorable. She traveled with us to many different homes, eventually she left Johannesburg with us about ten years later and moved to Cape Town. We didn’t have jobs for the most part of our first year in Cape Town so we spent a lot of time with her. In many ways it felt like we were saying goodbye to her in that year because a short while later, she passed away.
The day we took her ashes to the beach it felt like the walk had been a pilgrimage. A bit of an ordeal. Not completely easy, the sand had been really soft and the wind was having a go at us. When we got to the spot it felt perfect for what we were about to do. Beautiful. Before we spread her ashes into the sea we lit some incense and spent some time thinking about her. What made me shed a few tears was being in a space where I felt that was where we all would end up. Our Little Family. The rest of our pets when they passed on, and then B and myself eventually.
It was like looking into the future. I told B I knew where I wanted my ashes spread, that it was here, and asked her, told her, she could do it here if she wanted to, if I left this earth before her. The stretch of beach we walk more or less ends here, the wide white sand flanked by the ocean and tall sand dunes gives way to what I think is ancient eroded volcanic rock, it has a lot of quartz as well in it. The water doesn’t break as waves on the rocks here like it does on the sand for most of the walk, instead it creates small islands of jagged rock punctuated by pools connected by streams of flowing sea water.
N0$, her ashes, and the clay pot container they came in rest at the bottom of one of these shallow pools. Today we lit some incense again when we got there, marveled at how the smoke from the stick danced and played with the gentle early morning breeze. At this point the sun had risen enough to start warming the beach up. The rays of light softened by a widespread wispy cloud-bank. After a while the incense stick finished burning and we gathered our things and headed back.