Unhappy Birthday.

So what do I get into next? Do I get into how that makes sense? I mean, explain how bearing witness to what they are doing is driving me mad? Get into the details of where animals have featured in my sister’s past and how things that are happening on the property they have is disturbing me? Wanting to scare away the monkeys? Spray insecticide on the wasps? Have snakes taken away.

Index @ Livejournal. Index @ WordPress.
Maybe I should reflect on the anger a bit and ask why it matters to me, and ask whether it really is about what I think it’s about, or is it about sibling rivalry? Perhaps jealousy? Am I just putting a face on it that masks a more human expression of subconscious psychological content? Something a little more disappointing, a little more selfish? I guess it is possible I am that guy.

Aren’t we all?

Or is it time to return to the original story. Explain a bit where that fits in. Explain where I was going with all this. Well. Not that I am done. I mean, there’s a lot of ground to cover on this particular subject. I do still need to spend some time getting into how things are going at my sisters place. And how it looks from behind the spectacles I wear when looking at it. In the meantime. The subject comes up a lot in the conversations I have with B.

Or, it did come up at a particular point. And during that moment there was this underlying sense of tension, or maybe the tension had another source, I don’t know, maybe I just put this face on it because it’s convenient. Regardless, it is one of the parts, the moving parts that formed this overwhelming experience. One of the parts that lead on to other parts.

Strangeways, Here We Come
@ ‘The Smiths ‎– Unhappy Birthday’ (metrolyrics.com);

“I’ve come to wish you an unhappy birthday
I’ve come to wish you an unhappy birthday
‘Cause you’re evil
And you lie
And if you should die
I may feel slightly sad
(But I won’t cry)

Loved and lost
And some may say
When usually it’s Nothing
Surely you’re happy
It should be this way ?
I say “No, I’m gonna kill my dog”
And : “May the lines sag, may the lines sag heavy and deep tonight”

I’ve come to wish you an unhappy birthday
I’ve come to wish you an unhappy birthday
‘Cause you’re evil
And you lie
And if you should die
I may feel slightly sad
(But I won’t cry)

Loved and lost
And some may say
When usually it’s Nothing
Surely you’re happy
It should be this way ?
I said “No”
And then I shot myself
So, drink, drink, drink
And be ill tonight”

So we were somewhere, we were doing something, and during all of that this conversation was happening, and how it came out was all wrong. I got impatient with B, told her conversation about that place didn’t feel like a good idea, that I could feel I had a problem with it, that at this time I didn’t have anything good to say about it. That I would rather think or talk about something else.

And of course expressing this wasn’t received very well. Turned into a negative reflection on the state of our relationship. Or at least, that’s where I think it might have started. Started to get complicated. And in the next part I kind of try to bring that and the other three things all back together again. Explain the other part of the equation. I think it started with me striking another blow. Although, not intentionally.

Ok well, things seem to be starting to come together a little. A little more than before. So there are the conversations, the subject material, part one of that sort of covered, part two of that about to be covered, how that impacted on how things are between B and me, and that in turn fit in with being on this weekly mushroom regimen. How things are between B and me. It’s one of the things, one of the other things that I need to think deeply about. Maybe it’s actually the only thing I should be thinking deeply about.

Maybe it’s the only thing I should be thinking about at all.

I get pretty sad about it, maybe that’s why I thought I should cover this ground in so much detail. Even if at the outset it seemed to be about something else completely. I’m not going to regret missing a point if there is any, not if the point gets missed because of this, This seems like such an important part of anything that might be going on. And so eventually there it was. Something that had been staring me down the whole time. So big and so obvious that I hadn’t seen it, hadn’t even been aware of it.

During my enthusiastic speech involving why I might have got impatient with her and getting into feeling so disappointed in my sister and her husband and what they were doing with the place they had bought and saying something along the lines of them being in a much stronger position to make a difference, more so than most of the rest of us who are limited to making small lifestyle changes or making donation to this or that various charity.

What B ended up hearing was that I didn’t think that our efforts were worthwhile, or more specifically, that I was in a space that I had given up hope in, or reassured myself with whatever this or that big picture stuff was that I had going on, and that my speech was a pointed attack on any ideas she had of how to proceed.

How to deal with this.

Doing whatever it was that she felt like she needed to do. Trying to persuade her that she was on a different page, and then that that page wasn’t worth being on. In an argument that followed the idea being shared was that going forward things are going to look very different to how they look now, that we were headed in very different directions where is concerned this stuff.

That we were basically going to be on opposite sides of the fence. And for a minute I felt stunned by what that sounded like.

It sounded terrible.

Coming from her.

Hearing it.

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