Part of what’s going on at the moment involves a guy called N****. I mentioned him first when the subject of me feeling a resurgence of sorts when it came to the subject of teacher plants (in Dreams and Drugs). I’ve been back and forthing a little with him recently after he sent out a bit of a call for help. He is trying to buy this place where he is set up at somewhere in the Garden Route and I guess needs a little cash to do that. He has a website set up that you can become a paid member of and I was having hassles getting into it etc. I scratched around a bit in there for a while to get a feel for the work he is doing and the direction he is going in. The set-up is something along the lines of a traditional healer, and he facilitates sweat-huts, dietas, sound healing journeys and ceremonies.

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Alice in wonderland.
@ Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll (THE SABIAN ASSEMBLY); “Alice took up the fan and gloves, and, as the hall was very hot, she kept fanning herself all the time she went on talking: ‘Dear, dear! How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is, Who in the world am I? Ah, THAT’S the great puzzle!’ And she began thinking over all the children she knew that were of the same age as herself, to see if she could have been changed for any of them.”

And so I felt conflicted. I’m standing in the shower at gym thinking I can’t see myself buying into it. I couldn’t ever play dress up and go through the motions, the rituals they go through at this place doing the things that they do, I’d feel so very self-conscious and awkward; I’d be paralyzed with fear at the possibility of not doing something right, of having to do something I’m not used to doing. Then I realized something, and spoke to B about it, and that conversation happened in You Are what You Eat. A big part of the thinking behind all of that came from the realization that there could only be one way I could sign up for something like what N**** was offering, and that would be if it wasn’t me that signed up for it.

I mean it couldn’t be the me that I’m used to that goes through with it. I’d have to be someone else. And if this is getting confusing, then welcome to my world. For a minute I was having a bit of an identity crisis. There was a thing going on about what you are, what I am, what everyone is. Who really is themselves? What is the big deal giving up the person that you think you are for another person that you think you could be? This is something I think I need to think carefully about, and try to explore a little, try doing what I think an actor needs to do, get into character. At least I need to try practicing not always being the character that I am currently, this character isn’t really one that I like very much and I don’t think is up to doing what it will take to get very far on this path.

I mean, what do you expect? Most of my adult life has been spent behind a desk staring at a computer screen, what little time I’ve had to myself I did what everybody else did. On top of that I’ve never been forced to revisit my childhood, sift through the experiences that left chips on my shoulders. The ah-ha moment occurred when I built in the teacher plant thing, the you are what you eat thing. Part of what makes (me) me is what I spend most (my) time eating. That eating teacher plants would make me something else, someone different, someone who might be more suited to the environment someone like N**** operates in.

Anyway, apart from all that, as much as I didn’t feel like it would be a good fit I wanted to get in touch with N**** to show some enthusiasm for him being in the area now, and try put the wheels in motion for B and I to involved with him. I never did send what I typed out below but I thought putting it here might be worthwhile. It covers a bit of our background and a few thoughts around how things went down for us to get to where we are at now.

Hi N****; I noticed the reconnect status update and thought now would be a good time as any to say hello. I’m super excited that you ended up in W********* – it seems like the perfect place for you and your work! My story involves having spent my life seeking out an authentic spiritual direction, and actually still seeking. At some point I got involved with using ‘shrooms and did have a vague idea of them being able to teach me ‘something’. At that point we were in J** and were dabbling in yoga and meditation as well.

Things got pretty weird and I felt pretty convinced the things that unfolded in my life from that point on had a lot to do with the energies we were playing with and reality sort of aligning itself according to what we had in mind as where we wanted to be, what we wanted our lives to be, how we thought it would be after spending a lot of time and effort trying to get it to be. I guess in retrospect and even as unsure as I was at the time of what Intention meant that idea is quite possibly what was standing in as my Intention.

Alice Madness Returns.
@ EA Games ~ Alice: Madness Returns; “Eleven years ago a horrific fire took Alice’s family from her and left her mind horrifically scarred. Afterwards she was confined to Rutledge Asylum, where she struggled to confront her demons by slipping further into her fantasy world of Wonderland. Now, after ten years, she has finally secured her release—yet she still bears the heavy psychological burden of that tragic event.
With her mind in tatters, she is unable to resolve the fear prompted by her strange memories, dreams, and visions. Perhaps she’ll do better in Wonderland. She always has. She travels there, seeking what the “real”; world can’t provide: security, knowledge, and the truth about the past. But in her absence, Wonderland too has suffered. Something has gone horribly wrong, and now a great evil is descending upon what once was her beautiful refuge. Can Alice save Wonderland–and herself–from the madness that consumes them both?”

And so the picture at the moment looks very different to what the picture looked like back then. Now we live where we wanted to live, are surrounded by the people we wanted to be surrounded by, do the jobs we always wanted to do, and work where we always wanted to work ~ from home.

Alice in wonderland.
@ Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll (THE SABIAN ASSEMBLY); “‘I’m sure those are not the right words,’ said poor Alice, and her eyes filled with tears again as she went on, ‘I must be Mabel after all, and I shall have to go and live in that poky little house, and have next to no toys to play with, and oh! ever so many lessons to learn! No, I’ve made up my mind about it; if I’m Mabel, I’ll stay down here! It’ll be no use their putting their heads down and saying “Come up again, dear!” I shall only look up and say “Who am I then? Tell me that first, and then, if I like being that person, I’ll come up: if not, I’ll stay down here till I’m somebody else” — but, oh dear!’ cried Alice, with a sudden burst of tears, ‘I do wish they WOULD put their heads down! I am so VERY tired of being all alone here!'”

Somewhere in the background there’s an idea that we did / do have even more in mind, and even these things are going to unfold next. I mean, thanks to the place we managed to get to and even though it’s been a very long time playing the way we used to play with what we played with, reality is continuing to be a bit more fluid than what you would think it normally is. In fact there’s even a little concern that it might be a little too fluid, and being a bit wary of what comes to mind involving the future (even having access to you now is something I am wondering about).

That last part has something to do with why at some point we thought let’s put the playing on hold for a bit, or discard it completely even altogether. Even though reality bent and warped and twisted to ultimately suit us it did have it’s moments. It’s a flimsy thing to put all your trust in, when times get tough it’s easy to have doubts and despair at the necessary misery / discomfort that comes with change. This lesson involved learning that Faith has it’s place in all this as well.

Anyway, point being if the wheels you set in motion by playing with something take you on a very bumpy ride then should you play with it? The other part of calling it quits involved getting to a point that you realize how much work needs to be done to feel worthy of spending time in the presence of something with so much power. And it’s not a once off kind of work, it’s work that needs to be done on the detail, the stuff that makes up your day to day reality, your lifestyle.

At that point the whole thing starts to take on a life of it’s own. When you manage to get on top of one thing it’s easy to see what the next thing is that you need to get on top of. It gets easier and easier to see that you don’t really need any medicine anymore, probably will never need it again. At least that’s what I comfort myself with. Somewhere in the background another possible truth lingers involving not having the balls to play anymore, it’s just too damn uncomfortable.

I met you once at R******* and attended a weekend ceremony with S**** T**** (see “S**** T****.” for more on that). I missed the Friday evening when the group had taken San Pedro and watched “What the bleep do we know?”. The next day I sat in for a ceremony of sorts and took some San Pedro, and later got introduced to Salvia Divinorum, probably a 10x extract. After that I got some Salvia myself and spent some time in her company. I also played a little with Syrian Rue & Mimosa Hostilis but like I said; it’s been a very long while now.

Okay well that’s my story, if you made it this far thanks for the patience. I’d like to become a member on your website, I’m very interested in the dream you are here to realize. I’m not sure about being in a position right now that I can offer much help or attend any workshops you might have going but I’m pretty sure at some point further down the line this will change.

Take care, prof_it_e.


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