So just what the hell was I expecting? I’m here at this point and putting all this stuff online, typing out on the computer stuff that I’ve written. There’s a bit of a lag so on the computer I’m typing out stuff that’s a couple of pages back. I’ve gotten to the point where I write about a book I’m reading, ‘Ayahuasca’. I’m back and forthing in my head over what it is I feel compelled to get involved with psychedelics / teacher plants again for. It’s a bit of a cross-roads situation. I’m not feeling very reassured considering my track record, and what impressions I’m getting from the book I read. Well, that’s not completely accurate. What I’m wondering about is if I do resume with that work what I need to be careful of not doing, which is to get all me-centric about it.
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|I mean to get enchanted by all the signs and the symbols that appear to manifest in reality that involve me and my life once I start going down that road, to get distracted by the light and amazed at how it all seems so special and significant, unique and noteworthy. A bit of a contradiction I guess. Point being if not that then what? And there’s a bit of a void going on right there. Maybe there is all that, and yes it’s going to come to the surface, I need to be okay so there’s that but; there’s more. There needs to be more. Getting involved in this stuff can’t just be about having a big fat me-fest.
I don’t want to get into this for personal gain or self-aggrandizement, the image I’d like to aim for involves managing to step outside of it, outside of my personal story, to put a bit more of a cosmic spin on it. If things happen it doesn’t necessarily involve me. What happens to me is nothing personal; it quite possibly has more to do with everything outside of me than it has to do with me personally. That’s where I think I need to get my head at with this stuff; to achieve less from a personal perspective, to get less involved with everything and try focus; on my health, on my food, on my exercise, on my mind. On my relationships with those that are close to me.
I don’t want to ask for anything more than that. I don’t want to expect more than being able to do that. If I work with the teacher plants it’s okay, yes, fine they can help with that stuff a little but it’s not a big ask; it’s not really all that much to help me with. What I think needs more attention and what this needs to be done for isn’t for me, it needs to be done for the world. I wonder at what point I’m going to look back at this and think what the hell are you going on about? Do you know how stupid and full of it you sound? If this is an argument on why to start messing with stuff that messes with your mind then it’s not very convincing at this point. And why are you going on about it anyway, hasn’t this ground already been covered?
I’m not even sure where Joan’s book fits into this anymore, it just seems to be something that I keep lashing out at for no particular reason, from what I gather when I wrapped up reading her book it didn’t sound like she was that into teacher plants right from the start anyway and didn’t have any plans to pursue that angle at the point that she finished her book at. As to me getting into it about what to try getting out of an experience of being under the influence the idea was to explore advice from other more seasoned psychonauts – people who are familiar with this territory. There’s plenty of them, there’s plenty of it, and a lot of it involves not letting yourself get caught up with what it seems like is happening by allowing your imagination to get the better of you. By getting… What is the word?
Something came to mind. A state of mind, some kind of state of mind, that happens when you get exposed to psychedelics, not necessarily a good thing, described as a negative consequence, when I saw it, I dismissed it, didn’t think it was worth worrying about, didn’t think it was much of a negative consequence, sounded a little good actually, something we could do with, something that we could use to make the world a better place. What was the damn word? But then I slate Joan for the way she talks, and I slate myself for getting into that space, and I got into it for a very long time.
And being in that space you learn to see a certain way, you learn to talk a certain way. Not in a very good way, in a little bit of a touched way. It’s tricky though. So it took a while for that to wear off. I realize it now, what it was, I can look back and I can see it. And I can see what they mean and I can see why it might not be a good thing. But then now that I can feel that it’s worn off, I realize that I miss it. Or I realize that suddenly I’m not feeling very passionate, or I’m not feeling, what is that damn word? Enchanted? Whatever it is that that word is. Something isn’t there that was there before, something precious, something valuable.
If only it didn’t end up making everything sound so damn flaky when you wrote about stuff when you felt that way. And it does sound flaky, reading so much into what could easily sound like a random coincidence, a series of random coincidences. Enchanted? Surreal? Dreamlike? Otherworldly? From where I sit now that’s a part of the thing I’d like to put to one side going forward. To not do what I’ve spent quite a bit of time doing. I need to learn a little discernment, and to not spend so much time obsessing about ‘Synchronicity’. I’ve got to know that it’s there, it’s there all the time, it’s there in everything. But watching out for it is like watching the finger that points at the moon.