Road Trip.

But that’s not the dream that attracted my attention. And there were a couple that were worth paying attention to. I can’t even remember much of the detail, there was just a moment I remember spent examining / closely inspecting my mother’s neck, in reality she’d come down with some bug and wasn’t feeling very well. On her neck was a bit of a welt going on, the more closely I looked the bigger it got, turned into quite the nasty looking lump, some kind of growth. The dream freaked me out. She is 60 something, smokes a lot. Doesn’t really look after herself very much, takes a lot of pills, antibiotics every couple or months for this or that sick feeling.

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So there I was trying to figure out how to, why to, induce some kind of rite of passage. Put it all together, justify going all over the place with all this stuff I mean, what’s the problem with just taking a deep breath, what’s the problem with just being? Is it really all that difficult? Well maybe that can be something I can try aspire to but for now, it seems that that’s not my story, and maybe a part of getting caught up in all this stuff is just me trying to figure my story out, trying to give my story some structure. So there’s that part of it but it seems that sometimes your story is actually (just?) a part of someone else’s story.

We are going on this trip with my folks and if I can see it being possible that it’s more than just what it looks like on the surface for myself then is it possible that it’s more than just what it looks like on the surface for someone else? If not now I’m pretty sure things are going to get tricky for my mother pretty soon. Is this trip some kind of practice run for her farewell? Are we doing a physical version of whatever a psycho pomp usually does when someone crosses over? And as if we needed some kind of validation my mother comes down with some kind of super flu, is back at the antibiotics again.

So sick she might not even make this road trip.

It’s a pity really. Well, I mean that tonight couldn’t have been the first spent under the influence, it’s such a great night out. It has a lot of mood, atmosphere. Did I mention how distracted I got? About the night again there’s some kind of eclipse apparently and rumors of it being a night like we last had in 1982. Something significant. It would be nice if from this point on we could do something different, start to live different, somehow. The way we were meant to, the way we always wanted to. The way we’ve been wanting to for a while now. I guess we’ll see, I mean, part of that means committing to this, keeping track of stuff.

About me getting distracted… Part of going on this trip involved putting some music together, sort of like a trip soundtrack, a road trip cd, a mixtape. After messing around for a long time over it for the last week or so I’m starting to feel like maybe it wasn’t such a good idea, a bit depressing. I thought it would be cool if I put some music on there that my mother was familiar with, stuff from the 60’s and 70’s. Around the time I was born actually. Man, they made some depressing stuff from way back when. I had Silence is Golden, God Only Knows, Holiday, Don’t let me be Misunderstood, San Francisco, Bang Bang etc.

Going through the process kind of got me into some kind of twilight zone. The harder I tried to find stuff to put in there the worse it got. There wasn’t much else I could do trying to sort this all out, and time was / is running out. But I did manage to spend some time with the Tarot. My mother spent some time playing with the Tarot for a while back there too. So I had the Fool, Magician and the High Priestess trio out. And there could be some stuff going on involving that. It might be interesting to go through some of the stuff I just wrote and figure out if anything in there resonates with the energies of these three cards. It doesn’t need to be perfect, or authentic, it would just be an exploration, an contemplation, an meditation…

Some of that music seemed to have themes, lyrics, a foreboding mood and feeling strangely appropriate. Even a little similar to what kind of vibe I was getting from the Tarot cards I’d started playing around with. Sympathy for the Devil, All Along the Watchtower, Stairway to Heaven…

Superficially the cards the Fool, the Magician and the High Priestess – the Fool was about me going through a thing involving potentiality – without anything actually being realized – the music is an example, I faffed around with the idea of making a mixtape but never actually managed to get one put together. Also the fiasco involving the drumming circle that never happened (see me wanting to trash everything / start all over again – not sure I actually covered that much in detail).

The Magician uses tools in some kind of esoteric fashion, might be similar to using dreams and drugs esoterically, another similarity in that there’s a question involving the Magicians authenticity, or the authenticity of what he does (party tricks maybe?). And then the High Priestess might involve the experience I’m having involving my mother, High Priestess in reverse maybe. Might be an idea to unpack this in more detail. Would give me a reason to study these particular cards a bit more.

The dream this morning wasn’t really worth a mention but again, that’s beside the point now isn’t it? I had been sitting in some kind of auditorium as though attending a class, attending a lecture at varsity maybe. There was a lady up front covering some kind of subject involving English I think, but I was feeling like I’d signed up for the wrong subject. When she went round the room asking us questions I think I asked her if there were other types of English class and she’d said yes. We’d left the class it actually felt like we were at work now, I’d gotten some stuff out the kitchen (two onions?) and was leaving to catch a bus.

I was with a group of people and they were asking about the lecture. I told them I didn’t think it was the right one for me but not being very nice about it. I realized someone else that taught there was approaching so adjusted what I was saying to sound more kind. He was, looked like, a black actor from that series on the t.v. We covered the different kinds of English class thing but I got the feeling he wasn’t very sure about what my options were. He did seem to think it would be possible to change the subject if that’s what I wanted.

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