Sometime in November last year. We had a Curandero (S**** T****) over from Peru or something, hallucinogenic tourism? tourism comes to you. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth, what I paid wise. Some detractors would try have me believe being ripped off was my own doing. Reason being I missed the first evening. I was lead to believe a “tolerance dose” would be administered on the Friday, so when I pitched up and couldn’t find anyone I didn’t feel too pained about just going to bed. The tolerance dose turned out to be where it was at. There were other things, maybe I will go into them later.
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|I mentioned in my last entry I ordered some Illinois bundleweed seeds, well, I ordered a few other things as well. One of these other things is Salvia (x10 extract). I’ve only ever tried Salvia once. If my experience with S**** T**** was worth anything it was because of the Salvia experience. I believe he used x15 extract, and I only took one toke. Here’s a recollection;
What I thought would be an Ayahuasca ceremony, turned out to be exposure to San Pedro. I missed the first evening – when they used a gooey brew made from the cactus. Apparently it was plenty effective – so much for a tolerance dose. On Saturday we took dried granules made from the cactus, about a handful each. We did some tai-chi like moves and some humming. When we got back S**** T**** sang some icaros. After a while it was over, and all I felt was disappointment. There is a small hill at R******, we went to climb it. I got to talking to the rest of the people, most of them seemed quite nice. It seemed the San Pedro gave me a bit of a body high, I felt quite energetic.
That evening S**** T**** started talking about dosing on Salvia. He seemed to be treating the subject quite seriously and mentioned using it was voluntary. I had read up on Salvia and was intending to check it out sometime, I had no idea it would be so soon. From what I had read about it I was quite nervous to use it. It was dark by now and the mood was solemn. Some psy-chill music was being played softly and we were asked to keep quiet while the volunteers dosed one by one in a separate room – it was more like a kind of balcony with exposure to the outside.
Two people went before me. When it was my turn the girl that went before was still sitting there, it seemed she was being scolded by S**** T**** for not toking right or something. I was seated in such a way that S**** T**** could catch me if I fell back, he prepared the pipe and held it to my lips, he asked another guy to burn the Salvia with a propane lighter. Two other woman were on each side of us.
I inhaled for all I was worth, S**** T**** said my father would be proud of me. I didn’t really appreciate this – at that time things were not so good between my father and me. I knew I had gone big so decided that would be it. It sort of took S**** T**** by surprise and he reacted strangely. I wanted to recline so I did, I indicated I could do this myself and didn’t want S**** T****s help. In the meantime the guy that lit the pipe seemed to be discouraging S**** T**** from making me inhale again, in a kind of underhand way, sort of as in cool he’s not using it all lets finish it for him, I resented this, it wasn’t as if it was my stash or anything.
The following from my diary; I’m not sure what happened so many things were happening at the same time. Well, actually, it wasn’t so much what was happening as there being different ways of seeing what happened. The first way because its so obvious is that nothing happened except I went mad for a minute. There was not much to it because anything I was thinking was just the Salvia speaking. Fine, so what were you thinking – even if nothing happened and it was just the Salvia speaking?
Well, first, let me say that it felt like what I experienced I had experienced in a dream or something before. There was a whole deja-vu feeling going on. Something about where I was, how things looked and what it felt like was going on in the background. This feeling was quite special, it felt really big and had immense meaning. Something important was busy happening. It felt like something special was there, something bigger than me, something big and shit powerful. It felt like the mood among us was of reverence, and deep respect was appropriate. It felt like we were in the presence of something quite feminine, and we were quite privileged to experience this.
It felt like I had become a part of her, inside of her. It felt like maybe the other guys who had also toked the Salvia had also become a part of her. And in this moment we could experience whatever it was she was doing, but only from the perspective of passengers, there was no option to control anything. Just observing. I could see as if I could see from every part of her, visual scope was 360 degrees and crystal clear (even though my eyes were closed and glasses removed). Presently it felt like you could hear from her perspective as well. The sound of the music playing softly in the background was sublime, surreal even, I doubt the music sounded the same from human ears.
I started to feel less like there was a big feminine energy that we were all being a part of, and more like I had just hooked up somehow to S**** T****s energy. This worried me as in that I was becoming an extension of him (on an energetic level). I got the idea that maybe this was a party trick, that he had orchestrated this situation to do just that. I associated this idea with me needing to be submissive to S**** T****, and I found this threatening.
I tried to come-to a couple of times, but my limbs and stuff felt quite heavy etc. As I struggled with my paralysis it felt like I was extracting myself from something I had combined with. Perhaps out of the divine feminine energy or S**** T**** or something. The woman on either side seemed to be encouraging me to wait a bit longer, to “get back in”? It started to dawn on me that I had been outside my body, that now I was trying to get back in – back into me!
I got the idea that the party trick was to get me outside myself, to put my energy in a birdcage to exhibit and for all to see. That the feelings I had of merging with “her” or S**** T**** was just my mind merging with my energy body? It didn’t feel right that this had happened under these circumstances, it felt disrespectful.
I got up and moved away from S**** T****, it felt like if he had anything to do with what happened it was shit weird and impossible. I was overwhelmed and struggled to believe what he did. It felt like everyone there was acutely aware of what happened and were familiar with his intentions. That if I asked any of them could validate it. I wondered if he was doing the same thing with everyone else – sharing the same being – and how possible it was because it must drain him? I asked him if he was going to do this with everyone and when he said yes I said he was mad.
I waited round but nothing really happened after that. I was sitting alone in the dark while the rest of the guys spoke in soft tones. I got the feeling I was an outsider and taken advantage of. It seemed S**** T**** was speaking to a couple of guys and making a joke, he seemed to be making big plans to hold a bunch of these events and take advantage of people that pay a lot of money for just about sweet nothing. Eventually I left.
I was checking out Shamanism at the time and got the idea now that journeying involved astral projection. I felt astral projection was something worth checking out after my experience with Salvia. I decided I would continue my journey without the help of these workshops or whatever they were, it just seems I have issues with trust. I look forward to using Salvia again though soon.