A few years down the road and the desire to revise this blog is visited upon me. The itch arrives at about the same time as I realize my step-father probably accessed what I’ve written here when I left my phone with him (along with the pin to access it). For a while I argued with myself over whether to feel bad about the content. Also, what my agenda might be in divulging so much about me, about my family here. A lot of it isn’t very flattering, is downright hateful. Some of it might tear people apart, knowing what my thoughts have been about them at times. The realization hurts, a mind reels in defense. Is it just words, are they written this way in an attempt to sell something, trying to get a buy-in. A readership. At the expense of truth, of modesty.
I can get a bit hung up on this.
Going over some of it again, there’s a lot of angst. The temptation to delete, edit, trash, burn. To skulk away in shame. I’m embarrassed at what I learn about myself. And there it is maybe. Is it possible; am I here to learn? Does what I write say more about me than whoever I write about? I think so. I know so. A recurring theme in conversations with my wife run something along the lines of wishing people would rub my nose in what they don’t like about me. Is this me rubbing my nose in what is not like-able about me, in the absence of a willing audience? Is this a safe space for that to happen?
I think that’s the intention.
If you know me, realize that some of this stuff is about you, I hope you can see this isn’t a tirade against you. I want to know what I think, I want to know what I feel, I want to put it all under a microscope and examine it, try to figure it out, get something out of it. The sentiment extends to everyone because at times, it’s you that it looks like I hate. I’m trying to find my way to a point that I don’t continue to do that anymore. From how things look tonight, looking at what appears here so far, a lot of what I think, how I feel, seem to be leftovers from a thing I used to be. The hope is I can work my way from here to a better place, to a better me.
Happily ever after; prof_it_e.
28 January 2019; Eastern Cape; South Africa.